...the courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.
I think that there's really only one honest, but lots of truths.
- And the key... - Hey.
What's up, man? The key, for me, anyways, is just being honest about all of them.
- Mm. - Mm-hmm.
Hey, listen, if you ever want to talk about anything, come see me at the store.
- That's me. - Okay.
Hey, man. You talk to Jerry yet?
- No, man. No. It's... - Why?
It's probably nothing.
He had an appraisal done. It's not nothing.
So, dude? That's his move, man. It's like a tax dodge.
He's probably going to, like, sell the building to himself
through a company that's owned by his cat or something, man.
- It's Jerry. - Fucking Jerry, man.
- No shit. - Hey, take care of yourself.
I will. Don't worry. I know Jerry. What about London? You talk to her yet?
- Yeah, sort of. - Yeah?
- I got a look at her Facebook page. - And...?
Not a lot to go on, to be honest with you, except for a lot of sunsets.
She's kind of mysterious, you know?
- Yeah, I like that. - How...?
For you. For you, obviously, dude. Come on. I mean for you.
What can I do to help?
Oh, well, she's looking for places in Mar Vista.
Oh, dude. That's no good. That's the other side of Lincoln.
Now you'll never see her.
Yeah. I already feel like I'm losing her.
Well, don't get ahead of yourself. There's plenty of time to lose her.
- Yeah. - First, you got to get her.
It's too soon, man, you know? I haven't gotten to know her well enough
to know what it is that I need to pretend to have in common with her.
- That's a good point. - Yeah.
I... Plus, what if she doesn't like me?
Oh, dude. Come on. She'll like you.
And you know what? If she doesn't, then it's not meant to be.
Well, don't say that.
You've just got to have the serenity to accept the things, man.
Don't say that either.
- And the wisdom to know the difference. - And definitely don't say that!
You've got a serious platitude problem.
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Come on, man. What are you doing? You're the one who wanted a coffee.
Yeah, but if I go in, then I'll have to pay for it.
I can't go in there and ask for two free coffees.
Why not? Come on, this kid looks up to you. You love this shit.
Hey, look, you get the coffees and I'll go open up your store.
- Fine. - Thanks, bro. See ya.
- Chip? - Hey.
Great to see you, man. What can I get you? The "uzhe"?
You know what? I'll take two "uzhes." Need a little extra jolt this morning.
- You got it, man. Coming up. - All right.
- Hey. - Hey.
You know Chip and you still want to ditch Venice?
Yeah, it's more like Venice wants to ditch me.
Oh. What happened?
A number of things. Mostly, it's so expensive.
Yeah. Even the free coffee's, like, five bucks.
Yeah. I was going to get a scone,
but I think I'll spend the money on a new car instead.
What else? Sorry. You said there were a number of things.
Oh, yeah. I just... I don't think Venice is for me.
You know, I thought it was. I thought I'd come here,
and everything would fall into place and I'd know what to do, but...
Yeah. Well, it's still early days.
When I first moved to Venice, things got a lot worse before they got better.
- Here you go. Two free coffees. - Great. Thanks, man.
- Free as in "on the house" or...? - Yeah. Is that okay?
Yeah. No, it's great. It's just a little ambiguous, is all.
Okay, well, either it was nice to meet you or I'll see you around.
- Yeah. Bye. - See ya.
Oh, shit! I'm so sorry.
That's okay. It was for a friend, so...
- Sorry. - Hey, you know what? I'm a total idiot.
I should have thought of this before. I actually have a studio apartment open.
Is it... is it furnished?
Well, it's above a furniture store, but... no.
Sounds great. Yeah, I'd love to have a look.
Okay.
Are you going there now?
Well, I am...
not going there.
Not this second, but...
I can meet you there tomorrow.
No. Never mind.
I have to let my landlord know tonight. So, it wasn't meant to be.
- Or this afternoon? - I'm working.
- What time do you start? - In, like, 30 minutes.
Okay. Well, no time like the present.
I guess I can meet you there in 15 minutes.
- Yeah? - Sure. Yeah.
- Thank you. - Yup. Okay. I'll see you there.
It's "Try." It's a furniture store over on Abbott Kinney. Just down there.
- Okay. - Got three stools in the window.
- Thanks. - Can't miss it.
What is he doing? He's only got one coffee.
What happened to my coffee?
- Hey, man. - Hey, Cooler.
Hey, real quick, do you mind throwing some of these in the window of your store?
Uh... yeah, sure. What is this?
It's "Save Venice." A bunch of us are getting together
to try to stop that developer from building hotels and shit.
- You know about that. - Yeah, great. You know what? I'll do it.
Cool. Hey, can I talk to you for a quick minute?
Not really, no.
You don't notice anything different about Dennis's dogs, by any chance?
- Nope. - I was walking them the other day,
and we ran into this little Jack Russell Terrier.
It's yappy. For sure, it's yappy. The little thing's got a cool vibe.
Cooler, I really don't have time for this, man.
And then Pinot, out of nowhere, man,
snatches this thing little up right in his jaws
and starts rag-dolling him around.
- Fuck. - Yeah. He was looking to kill it.
At least eat it.
So, I had to do the thing, man.
I had to... I had to stick it in his ass.
Stick what in his ass?
I had to, man. It was the only way he'd let go.
- You digitally molested his dog? - No. Only there.
- Only up from there. - Shit, man.
Listen, Chip, you have to tell Dennis for me.
- Me? - I can't tell him. He'll listen to you.
You know what? You should... you should go tell him right now.
Come on, man. That's Dennis and his dogs and me.
No normal rules apply to that.
I know, man, but I can't go tell him. It's way too suspicious.
Plus, you don't lawyer up if you're innocent.
- That's... - Right. They never... right?
- Yeah. - I think you should tell him yourself.
He's actually in the store right now.
He's in a really good place. He just had his coffee.
- Thank you. - Yeah, man.
All right.
It's a known move, Dennis. I learned it in the Boy Scouts, man!
Yeah, I bet you did!
Hey, man. So, that went pretty good, don't you think?
Yeah, not bad. Yeah. Good call, man. Thanks.
- Yeah, you got it. - Cool.
Aw... That fucking guy.
Hey!
I must have walked past this place a million times.
How did you know I was looking for an apartment?
Uh, Dennis told me.
Like, you guys tell each other everything, huh?
Oh yeah.
Wait. How did Dennis know?
Um, welcome to Venice.
So...
Yeah.
It's not exactly cavernous.
It could definitely use a coat of paint.
I feel like that would make it even smaller.
Well... throw a lamp in here, maybe a chair.
- Yeah, no, the light's good. - Yeah.
Plus, I'm right downstairs if you need anything at all.
- Yeah, this is probably a bad idea. - Yeah, it's a terrible idea.
- But good to rule it out, though. - Oh, yeah, no, I appreciate the offer.
And it's here if you need it. The apartment, that...
- Yeah. - That is...
What the fuck are you doing?
You must be sweating this Jerry stuff.
By "sweating," I mean fully avoiding it.
I guess it's true what they say. There are no secrets in Venice, huh?
Policeman's dream. Everybody talks, often to themselves, loud enough to hear.
I'll have you know that I was actually headed to see Jerry right now.
- Uh-huh. - Come on, man. Give me a break.
I'll do better than that. Let me give you a ride.
Oh, man.
Sorry I can't let you ride up front. It's department policy.
Plus, I got all of my gear. Look, I get it, Chip, man. I do.
I mean, you know, you've been in that store a long time,
and it's important to you, you know?
And you're feeling pissed now, huh? You're feeling betrayed,
'cause he's cashing out and leaving you by the curb, as it were.
Yeah, if that's what he's doing.
Look, I bet you feel a little scared now, too, huh?
You've got to go out there and get yourself a real job.
Come on, man. Don't give me that shit. I've had plenty of real jobs in my life.
What you going to be, bagboy for Whole Foods, huh?
That's good for your image.
Dude, fuck you. "Image."
Man, look, I got another take on this. You want to hear it?
Yeah, I can't wait.
I think this is a good thing.
The store, Jerry. Nah, man, those are links to the past.
It's time you got out of there. Time to look forward now.
All right, man. This is as close as I can get you.
I can't do this.
Come on, man. There's no time like the present.
No, I mean there's no handle on it. I can't do this door.
Oh, yeah. All right, I gotta let you out.
What, you got a problem?
No. I don't think so. It's just that... I think I've seen that car before.
Which one? The silver Honda Sedan? Mid-size, no distinguishing features?
Yeah. Have you noticed it?
Obviously, I haven't paid enough attention,
but if you want, I can run the license plates for you.
- Yeah? - Of course not, fuckhead.
Thanks for the ride.
Dennis!
Denny!
Hey.
That was lame.
Oh, yeah. Cooler's comedy night. Well, I warned you.
No, that was lame of you not to fucking show up.
Yeah, I know. I'm sorry. I got slammed...
I would have called, but you know I don't have a phone.
- You have a phone at work. - Yeah, but it's a work phone.
Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.
You didn't. I just... whatever. I just... I just felt stupid, that's all.
- What are we doing here? - Just making stools for people to sit on.
Just be a gentleman.
Kara got a new haircut?
Good for her.
I can't believe Cooler told you.
Look, man, I think he was worried that you might overreact.
He finger-raped Pinot!
Like that.
I had to take the dogs to the V.D. clinic.
Dude, I'm not sure you can get V.D. off a finger.
The Venice Dog Clinic.
Look, man, at least he had the guts to come and tell you.
I just... I don't... I can't... I don't want to talk about this.
So, did you go see Jerry?
You know, for a guy who does nothing but sit around and smoke weed all day,
he is... he is tough to find.
He's like Osama bin Laden or something.
Yeah, but we found Osama bin Laden.
- Yeah, I guess. - No, no. We did and we killed him.
"We"?
- "They." - Yeah.
That gives me hope.
- Hey. - Hi.
Um...
I decided to take you up on that offer, if it's still open.
Um...
Yes, it is. Definitely. Good decision.
Great. Can I bring these up to the apartment?
Yep. Absolutely.
- Hi, Dennis. - Hey...
- What the fuck, man? - Look, man...
- Are you for real? - Dennis...
What part of "swoop" do you not understand?
Come on. It's not what it looks like.
It looks like she's moving into your studio.
It's short term.
That's because Jerry's selling the fucking building.
- We don't know that. - That's because you won't talk to Jerry.
I did go. I went to see...
I just... I have a couple more things.
- Oh, here. Let me help you. - Let me help you. I got it.
- Thanks. - No, here. Let me help you. I got it.
- No, it's good. I got it. - I got it.
- I was just being of service, man. - Yeah. Some room service.
Come on, man. She's not even part of the program.
Yeah, I know, but I ran into her at Free Coffee,
and I wouldn't have even been there if you hadn't been so fucking cheap.
Okay.
It could have been you. You could have been the one.
I'd be the one to ask her to move into your studio? Why would I do that?
Because this puts her right in our wheelhouse.
- "Our" wheelhouse? - "Your" wheelhouse.
- You're gonna see her, like, every day. - Yeah, at your place.
Jesus, I'm not even interested in her. Could you just let it go?
Let it go, huh? What, are you going to put a finger in my ass?
Dude...
Hey. How you guys doing?
Good. Yeah, no, we're good. Dennis just needed to take a break.
Okay, cool. Thank you.
Sure.
I know what you're doing, man. I know what you're doing.
You want me to fly in there, all unprepared, and fall flat on my face,
while you just swoop in after, totally in the clear.
No, no. Dude, no.
That is the sort of negative attitude that I'm trying to rid you of.
Yeah. So, you want me to just go in there and ask her out?
- No time like the present. - Okay, man. I'm just gonna ask her out.
Great. I don't think you will.
Yeah, I know. That's why I'm going to do it.
- Okay. - Okay.
And if it's not meant to be, then it's not meant to be.
Can't believe you asked her out.
I can't believe she said "yes."
Well, I knew she would.
Congratulations.
Yeah, yeah. Thanks, man. It turns out that she actually knows me from before.
She spotted me playing paddle about a month or so ago.
- Huh. - Yeah.
It was right after I did the master cleanse.
So, I was looking good.
- You would have been playing with me. - Yeah, but it was me that she spotted.
And it was me that she just asked to give the lowdown on Venice.
I'm sorry. She asked you?
Well, no. No, I mean, I told her that I knew about all the cool spots,
and I said that if she wanted me to show her around, I could do it.
So, is it a date or are you showing her the places that people go on dates?
- It's like a rendezvous. - So, not a date?
It's going to turn into a date, you know? This is what I do.
I ask them out and we just kind of hang, all casual like,
and then, we transition into a full blown date.
I think full blown's a little optimistic.
It's a good plan.
You do have a lot of girl friends who never transition into "girlfriends."
Well, yeah, but I got this, okay?
I got the perfect bottle of wine. We're going to watch a beautiful sunset.
She's going to drink this. And then, I'm going to call an Uber.
For the transition. Uber guy's going to say, "One stop or two?"
Which is basically like saying, "Your place or mine?"
Except I don't have to say anything.
- Sounds like you got it all figured out. - Yeah. Yeah, I do.
I feel confident.
That's her. That's her! She thinks it's a date.
She's going to cancel. Shit! Fuck me!
I knew she would.
It's Carmichael. Shit!
Fuck! He was going to sit the dogs
because you-know-who is out of the equation.
I... I don't know who else to call.
- Well, can't they just be here? - After the day that they've had?
No, I'm not going to leave them alone.
- Okay, I guess I could step in. - Yes! Buddy, thank you.
- Thank you so much. - Just tell me what to do.
Oh, what time does the sun set? Oh, and should I pick her up?
Or is she going to meet me there?
And what is an Uber?
You mean to look after the dogs?
Sorry. Of course.
I heard that you were going to split town.
Yeah. No, I was, but I didn't, obviously.
Yeah. No, obviously.
Not a lot of secrets in Venice, huh?
- Yeah. - Nice.
- Uh-huh. Great. - Cool. Yeah.
What... so, what made you stay?
Doesn't matter where you go, right? There you are.
Yeah. That's like Chip says.
There's no such thing
as a geographical solution to your problems.
- Chip says that? - Well, yeah.
I guess a lot of people say that, but Chip more than most.
- What are you doing? - Nothing, nothing.
You can open a bottle of wine with your belt buckle?
Apparently not.
You just woke me up from a really intense dream.
- Okay. Well, look, I just... - Yeah. In fact, I was in here.
- I was looking for something. - Well, what is it?
Now I think about it, I haven't seen my chameleon for quite some time.
Didn't you once eat a chameleon, like, on a salad or something?
Yeah, I thought he was arugula.
You know, I thought I saw him over here, blending in, like...
Do you have something that you want to tell me?
If I just had a dream I was doing exactly this...
how do I know I'm not still in the dream?
Well, you're not, Jerry. I promise.
Okay. That's good enough.
- How's that? - No one ever makes a promise in a dream.
Hey.
Are you selling the building?
I don't know.
What the hell does that mean?
Chip, come on.
Look... we, you and me...
we see way above all the B.S. out there.
It's, like, literally that... like, there's a baseline truth.
Reality.
And then, there's all of these layers and layers and layers of bullshit,
and it just sits there.
It's like a mountain village that...
rocks cascade down the mountain.
Mud. Mud everywhere, overruns the whole village.
But guys like you and me,
we've got these special glasses, 3D glasses.
And they see through... they see through...
- Mud. - They see through the mud.
I need that store, Jerry.
I'm not sure I'd know what to do if I lost it, man. That store is me.
You... are you.
Wherever you are.
And that's a great thing.
You should be excited to find that out.
It's great news.
Hey, listen, all mud aside... how much are you asking for that building?
Four million dollars.
Cash?
I'll take a check, but what does that matter to you?
It's just that four million dollars
was a little bit more than I was looking to spend.
Chip, I don't mean to sound like an asshole,
but I could give you ten years, and you...
you couldn't come close to making four million dollars.
So you're telling me I got ten years?
No, I'm telling you you don't have four million dollars.
I may not have four million dollars today...
Yeah?
No, that was it. I was finished.
- Getting kind of late. - Yeah.
- I should get us an Uber. - Oh, I have my bike, so...
Oh.
- Is that Chip? - No.
Hey. Hey! What the fuck is this thing doing on Pinot?
- I found that muzzle you got him. - Yeah, he doesn't like it.
- He seems to like it just fine. - Are these your dogs?
Yeah. Oh, well, they really seem to like you.
You'd know if they didn't.
What have you got this silly thing on for?
- What the fuck are you doing here, man? - Hey, I just...
- These guys smell like weed. - Fucking Jerry, man.
- You talked to Jerry? - Yeah.
Hey, you... you don't happen to have a corkscrew on you, do you?
Me? No. No, I don't... that's... he does. We do at our house, but not...
Should we go get it? We could bring the dogs.
We should go... yes. You know, that's a great idea.
- We should go get a... - Do you mind?
No. Not at all. That... Here, take that.
- Thank you. - You might want the air horn.
No, I'm good. Thanks.
- Thank you so much. - For what?
The transition.
Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah, man. Yeah. That's good. Go get it.
- Good night, Chip. - Good night.
Here! Come on! Come on. Yeah.
They really do like you.
I've got water.
You got anything else?
- Do you want Kombucha? - Water's fine.
Here.
Venice is turning to shit.
Fuck. I'm sorry.
Come here. I got to tell you something.
I love your new haircut.
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