Please can I just eat?
I want us to have a house breakfast together.
We're waiting for Vod.
People don't have breakfast together. It's not a social event.
You just get it inside you, OK.
It's basically just the opposite of shitting.
I'm starting.
Nothing from Dave? You should leave him alone.
Fuck off, Kingsley! I just want to make sure he's OK.
No, you don't.
You're just bricking it because you're single for once.
And you're angry with me
for breaking the spell. Breaking the sp...!
Right, you're not Rumpelstiltskin, for fuck sake!
Rumpelstiltskin didn't break the spell. He set...
the...
Anyway, the point is, you'll get back together with him
because you don't know what else to do.
You've no idea how to take care of yourself.
That's rich coming from someone who doesn't even floss!
I hate to break it to you, but nobody flosses, apart from you.
Bullshit! These two floss, don't you?!
Nah.
Sorry.
Yeah, but you use antibacterial mouthwash?
Fine! Whatever!
Happy gingivitis to you!
Morning, Howard.
Morning, Kingsley.
Tea in the pot. We haven't got a pot.
Pot, as in kettle.
You made tea in the kettle?
From the taste of it, I see no reason not to.
So...
It's official!
I'm being kicked out. What?!
Which, seeing as this "university" is a big, steaming pile of cack,
is fine by me. What are you gonna do?
What about your RAF money?
We must be able to appeal. How will you pay it back?
Fuck knows.
sell the east wing of her mansion or something.
Mind you, she probably wouldn't,
cos she doesn't give a fuck about anyone else except herself!
Well, I made you a bacon sarnie.
Yeah? Is it a bacon sarnie?
Or is it another one of your lies?
Right, just because I forgot a spoon
does not mean I don't know how to take care of myself.
Did you try to drink the cereal?
How would you like a spoon rammed up your arse, Rumpel-shithead?
Well, so much for a civilised breakfast.
Sweet. Yeah, cool.
Sweetness.
Get in!
Ralph's asked me to help organise the Love Cloud event on Sunday.
Epic.
Isn't Sunday your dad's funeral?
Fuck a tramp!
Is it too much to ask
for one of you to keep me abreast of my motherfucking schedule?!
You, can't pretend you're over something if you're not, you know.
That's where madness lies.
Of course I'm over her. I can't fucking stand her.
I was talking about geology.
Yup. So was I.
You said "she". Yeah.
Mother Earth.
Right.
I felt like drama was...
I needed to open up and...
I have... trust issues
and being on a stage seemed like a way to resolve that and...
Was it because fit girls do drama?
Yes, it was. So...
um...
Ask me the question, Noel.
Can I switch back to geology?
You have to say "deal or no deal?", because I said "Noel".
Right.
Deal or no deal?
Deal. Which is which?
It means you can switch back. Sasha's transferred to Sheffield for...
health reasons, whatever that means,
so there's a space.
But you're gonna have to catch up.
I will. I promise. Thank you. Thank you, Noel!
I was hoping you'd come back.
You're my favourite student, you know. Don't say that.
It sounds like grooming.
I can give you private lessons to help you catch up, if you like.
Still sounds like grooming.
Just trying to reach out to you, K-man.
Grooming.
There he goes.
This is the reception room.
Fucking hell! This is massive!
So, maybe the table-tennis table there.
Table-football table goes there.
Yeah, I mean, it depends on the kind of reception you want to give people.
We'll be able to receive people between the tables.
Yeah, I know. Just might feel more like a common room for a prison.
Sorry, hang on, did you just say "we", Tony?
We'll both be here, obviously, if you want.
Blimey. You're a...
Goodness. Heh!
Hi, Mum, I can't talk right now.
You must be exhausted.
Mum!
No, in all seriousness, though, really well done.
That's fantastic.
Mum!
Yes, that's very inappropriate, but thank you.
Well, no, he can't have my room! I'm coming home at Christmas, so...
I can't... I can't talk right now. I'm gonna have to go. OK, bye.
God. I... I don't... I don't know what to think about this.
What's to think about? Well,
what about my house?
I mean, yes, it smells, and there are slug trails all over the carpet.
But that's where my friends are.
And I can't have them round cos you hate them.
I only hate the ones I've met.
But they're great! They're cool.
OK, well, Howard's a freak and JP is a dick, but...
Would you like to see the wet room?
I mean, I can't abandon my friends like that.
Sorry, sorry.
Did you just say wet room? Yeah.
Yes.
Yes, I would like to see the wet room! Step this way.
Is there underfloor heating?
There certainly is.
Well, why can't we bring it forward by an hour?
Well, how many hymns are there?!
Four. Really?
I mean, do we need four hymns? They all sound the same.
Well, why can't we have a medley? Everyone loves a medley.
Stop crying, Mum, please.
Right, OK, Mum, I've got to go.
OK. Bye.
Ralph! Tobes!
Sorry!
It's fine, it's cool, Hey, dudes.
J P-dophile. Stoked you're on board for the Cloud.
Man, I'm so pumped.
Sorry, there was... there was just one thing.
Have you got the Ks?
Sorry, the what?
We need 2K off you.
2K?
What, as in... like, £2,000?
Did I not mention that?
No.
- Not so much. - Well,
we're all putting in 2K for the VIP room.
We're gonna get bespoke decor, we're gonna get canapes, yeah?
It's gonna be rape.
Yeah, well, I mean, that sounds really...
rape.
It's... it's just that there's a really annoying thing.
Basically, on Sunday...
it's... got... Dad's funeral,
which is, I know, cringe.
And yeah, it's a Sunday, so all the trains are a bit screwed,
so it's really gonna be really hard for me to get back, so...
Well, the club's cheaper on Sunday.
I'm not having a go at Sundays. Like, I absolutely love Sundays.
Well, what if we could... get you back?
Really?!
Yeah.
That... I mean, that would be... immense.
You've got 2K?
Yeah, for shiz.
OK.
So this is too easy, yeah?
You put in the 2K, we razz you over there in my Subaru Impreza,
get funeralised up!
Probably have some tunes on.
Razz back for, like, nine,
and you can still put in the 2K!
Sweet!
Spud me up, bitches!
Mash-up.
Howard.
What? Yes.
I'm Mrs Lamb.
Is this hacking-related?
Because, technically, my hard drive doesn't reside in the UK.
I'm Paul's mum. Paul Lamb. From the second floor.
Paul!
I don't think Paul's in.
Paul!
Paul moved out four weeks ago.
Yes.
Did he? Yes.
We came to collect him after his breakdown.
He was... Anyway, you know all about that.
Yeah. Yeah.
I've been ringing the land line but there was no answer?
We've got a land line?
Paul's coming back
tonight for the last few days of term.
But obviously we're still very worried about him
and I just wondered whether you could keep an eye on him?
Just in case.
Well... He speaks very highly of you all.
And I know how fond of you he is.
He trusts you.
Really? Kingsley.
Sorry? Helen.
Hi!
Lovely to meet you at last.
Yes. You too.
Who the fuck was that?
Paul's mum.
Paul? Paul Lamb, the Invisible Man.
That was the Invisible Man's visible mum.
Obviously the invisibility runs on his father's side.
She wants me to keep an eye on him in exchange for a bottle of Baileys.
Right. Good luck.
Don't you want to do it?
No, thanks. I hate Baileys.
What the hell are you doing?
I'm being a single lady.
Sorry if you can't handle it.
Can you turn the music down?
Why? Can't you handle it?
Are you drinking a mug of schnapps?
Schnapps and cocoa. Schnocoa.
All single ladies together.
Have a schnocoa.
All right.
OK...
why don't we play a game?
We could play I Have Never.
I have never thought...
Kingsley is a massive dickhead.
Sorry, Kingsley, you've gotta be honest with I Have Never,
otherwise it's fuckin' chaos.
Hey, Vod.
Let's go out and get totally fucked!
Right, fine.
DJ's a K. Rope for the VIP section is... a K.
That seems like quite a lot of Ks.
Well, I asked Tobe to get the best.
Which I have done.
Yeah, I mean, we want the best. I know I do.
No, I definitely want the best. It's just that...
a K for... some rope?
Well, that's how much it cost to hire.
We're not even buying it?!
Buying it's 5K. It's made from vicuna,
which pisses all over cashmere.
Little... money-saving idea.
I am more than happy to... to DJ.
And...
obviously sling in another K.
Yeah.
We do need someone to headline.
And you could headline!
Do you mean 5am?
Yes, headlining.
Yeah.
That'd be awesome.
OK. Rape. What else, cunts?
We haven't discussed wristbands.
Toby, how much are wristbands?
Those are...
I can't find them, but they're gonna be a K.
Good.
I have never seen...
JP urinating.
All right. Turns out Josie's a right laugh.
And I can't believe you told Vod you thought I was boring.
Well, she's really funny.
Really funny.
You know, and really... good fun.
Yeah, I'd go out with me if I wasn't me, or if I was me.
Told you she wasn't boring.
We're playing I Have Never.
Yeah. How about... I've never tidied up the kitchen?
I'll drink to that.
You should come out with us. Vod's gonna be my wingman
and you could be my other wingman on my other wing
and then they'll be a man on each wing, so two wingmen.
It'll be like wing-wing. Yeah? And then...
I'm mullered.
Yeah, I can't, really, cos Tony's here.
What the fuck's that arsehole doing here?
You can also call me Tony.
He asked if he could stay, because his wife's at home and...
He got me kicked off my fucking course
and then demands to stay in my house! I mean, what... what's next?!
Take a shit on my bed and then demand a lift home?
Perhaps I'll give you girls a minute.
I've got a right to bring whoever I want to this house, and...
Have it! We're going out anyway.
Where are you going?
To get fucked. Whereabouts?
Maybe I'll join you later.
I dunno. I'll text you.
I'd rather you didn't. You know, nothing personal.
Just don't wanna be in the same room as you.
Maybe I won't text you, then.
OK, see you later!
Bye!
Move it or lose it, Child Catcher.
Have a good one.
'... The idea of postmodernism to contemporary globalisation... '
I can't find any talc.
Yeah. Yeah, we don't... we don't really have talc in this century.
Can you make sure no-one sees you wearing that.
Top night.
Great night.
Enjoy the sex.
Thanks.
Psst. Psst.
I might go and accidentally throw up on Shales.
Right, come on, then.
That's it. Olovely bum. Come on!
Yeah.
Yeah!
God! Yeah... Ben!
It's Glenn.
Glenn! God, Glenn!
Hump me with your... megacock!
Right. I'll give it a go.
I'm trying to sleep!
Keep pounding!
Keep... keep pounding!
Are you... are you talking to me?
Yes! I'm talking to you. He's a dickhead.
Just...
Yep, keep pounding!
God, yes.
Yeah, yes, so sexy! You're having such a sexy time.
Vod?
Sorry, but I had to wake you.
Listen ... I've looked into it
and you're allowed to appeal the decision to kick you out.
I've booked an appointment with the head of department.
It's on Monday at 9.30.
And if you want, you know, help prepping and stuff, then I'm...
I'm not going. What d'you mean...?
What do you mean? You have to go!
They might allow you to stay.
Yeah, I really wanna stay...
seeing as it's total cack
and full of dirty old pervs who invade student houses
and steal girls like Attila the Hun in a fucking V neck.
He's actually a nice guy.
You just have to spend time hanging out with him.
He calls it Bircher Muesli.
Milk's in the fruit bowl.
Is this what you use as milk?
We've run out of actual milk,
so that's our auxiliary... backup milk.
I source it from local cafes.
It'll take about... eight for cereal.
So Sunday is gonna be pretty rape. I'm DJing.
There's gonna be girls dancing in cages, some not in cages.
For your dad's funeral?
No, at Love Cloud, you mong.
Don't use the word "mong".
Do you still... want me to come with you to the funeral?
Cos I know you said you don't want to go on your own.
No, it's fine. Ralph's gonna be razzing me down in the Impreza, so...
Pretty rape of him.
And don't use the word "rape".
Come on, It's just a word. It doesn't matter. Get over it.
So use a different word, if it doesn't matter.
Like, roughly how much would one of those, like, VIP ropes cost?
50 quid? Maybe more.
Cool. So sort of somewhere between 50 quid and, say, a K.
A K?!
As in a grand?
Yeah, can mean that.
I don't think it can mean that.
You wouldn't even know, Howard.
Are the Love Cloud getting you to pay a grand for some rope?
I don't know why I even bothered asking.
It's not like you two know how much nice shit costs anyway, so...
Mainly because you're both...
orcs.
Definitely mean orcs?
Yeah, that is what I meant.
Orcs.
Have you seen Paul yet?
Yes.
How many cameras have you even got?
Four.
He's had a nervous breakdown. Four's... good monitoring.
Is there one in the loo?
I'm saying... no, there isn't.
Now, the thing is, right,
Paul does something that's really rather weird that I want to show you,
but it may fuck you up. Do you want to see it?
I mean, I have to now.
What are you doing? SShut the door.
What the fuck is...?
My God! Is he...?
Yes, he is. Repeatedly.
That's Paul Lamb?!
I never understood before why they called it self-abuse.
It's the Nadal backhander.
I have to do some work. My life was bleak
enough before I started watching this.
You have to send me this.
JP, he's fragile.
He's a fragile vase that I'm responsible for.
Come on, I'm not gonna do anything with it. I'm not a beast.
What The Water Gave Me
Look at us, Howard.
We were so young then.
Now it's almost over.
The first term's almost over.
That's my Baileys.
Sorry. Did you want it back?
No. I don't like it.
Baileys on Weetabix?
Let's get the party started!
Boozybix!
My God! Is that me in that picture?
Yep.
Hiya. Hi, guys. what's going on?
Printworks club crawl. You're not in this lot.
I think you might have been with your man that night.
Speaking of which...
do you want to come round for dinner later at my, like...
new flat?
You're moving out?!
No, not really.
Just me and Tony, gonna use it as a bit of a bolt hole.
It's in town.
So come over, revise, smoke weed,
whatever.
Are you moving out? Cos it sounds like you're moving out.
No!
Sort of. Straddling.
It's no biggie.
I get to hang with you guys.
I get to hang out with Tony's friends from Croatia.
They're really cool.
They're getting me into Merlot and Iranian graphic novels.
I read one of those.
I was not convinced.
So what do you think? Will you come?
OK.
Don't know. What do you think, Jose?
Yeah.
All right, then, fuck it. Let's do it.
They're completely unaccountable.
Jedward has funded six doctorates in ecological farming
in the last two years.
Really?
And that's for the entire gamut of earth sciences,
of which land economy is not technically
a constituent part.
Tell it to Jedward.
As if Jedward would listen.
Sorry, are you saying "Jedward"?
Yes, Professor Ugo Jedward, chair of the funding committee. Why?
Cos there are these Irish twins,
off the X Factor, and they're called Jedward.
Right.
We weren't talking about them.
Funny, though.
Their names are actually John and Edward,
so they get called... Jedward.
We were talking about funding applications.
Fascinating.
Yeah, fascinating
This is what I love about Oregon. She's so curious.
Keeps me on my toes.
So what do you all study?
Well, the boys do geology and we do English and dentistry.
I had no idea geology was so popular.
Why is it so popular, suddenly, with your generation?
It isn't.
I think... a lot of young people are really into rocks
and things that aren't going anywhere.
There's a certainty in rocks
and I think in the kind of post-9/11 world,
young people strive for that.
That makes sense. I'm not sure it does.
What else are young people into?
God. That is such a good question.
I mean, lots of people don't take an interest in young people.
They just assume we're stupid and have nothing to say.
Well, I don't think we can speak on behalf of every...
Cattle.
Mythology.
Central America's making a big comeback.
Is everyone all right for wine?
And what about attitudes towards sexual relationships?
Well. I can speak with a little authority on that subject.
I just want to explore, just wanna be open to everything.
Steb, tell us about Kiev.
I think a lot of young men are more Victorian about it now.
And they lose their virginity very late
and...
end up starting their early 20s disgusted by sex
and hating the women they're actually attracted to.
More wine anyone?
Interesting. A sort of, caligynephobia.
That's a massive over-simplification.
What she said, not the phobia word.
That's a big word. Very impressive.
Why? What's your experience as a man?
Don't think he counts as a man.
I like the way... you just let it flop out.
Steb! Tell us more about Kiev.
Well, you know, it's a city of contrasts.
I think there's a fair amount of having one's cake,
whilst at the same time stuffing one's face
with said cake for most women going on these days,
whereby they want to believe in romance and love,
hence, you know, Twilight and shit like that,
so do things like get engaged and commit to someone,
only to then feel that they're letting their feminist side down
if they don't go around shagging any old bloke
at 3.19 in the morning.
As I was saying, it's...
it's a city of contrasts. Mm.
On the one hand... Yeah, yeah, yeah. God. That sounds amazing.
It's none of your business what I do with Ben!
Is it time for cheese? His name was Glenn!
I heard it through the fucking wall!
This is fun.
Don't judge me, Kingsley, just because you can't do sex.
I can do sex.
Shall we adjourn to the table-football table for coffees?
Hello, matey. Cunty Sykes.
JP!
It's for you!
Hey, duder! Whatta blow?
We need 50 quid for the float.
Cool. What's a float?
And cos everything's gone a bit tits today,
Ralph won't be able to come to the funeral.
What?
Yah. Shit and fans, my friend. Shit and fans.
How am I meant to make it to the funeral and back?
The last train's at six. The station's, like, an hour away.
It's a riddle.
Can I have the 50 sheets back?
Yeah, all right. I'll see you later.
No, come on. Please. Dude.
For fuck's sake!
You OK?
Yeah, fine. It's just a... misunderstanding with the lads
about the shit and fans and stuff.
Are you DJing at five?
Yeah, headlining.
Well, that's not headlining.
Well, I'm going on last.
That's the graveyard shift.I mean, everyone will just be fucked.
Bloody hell!
Why is everyone always trying to fuck me over?
I mean, yeah, I'm rich and attractive,
but does that mean that people should constantly
be trying to shit on me? Does it?
It might do.
OK. I'm gonna go to the station now, so...
Why are you all dressed like that?
We're coming with you.
Oregon's on her way over. She's going to drive us there and back.
Holy shit.
White wine, please.
I'm not actually a waiter.
Riesling, if you have it.
I don't think they have any waiters here.
What? What's that?
Coming up.
30 years.
Really?
Well, I had, my horse for ten.
I suppose in horse years, that's... Well, I don't want to say longer.
It's a similar amount of time.
I mean, I don't know what I ever saw in Josie.
She's just a boring Welsh girl,
from boring Wales, who drinks.
I mean, sure she's nice, but...
she's boring, yeah?
Yeah, she's boring.
Every time we go out on the lash, she ends up going on about you.
Yeah.
Really?
What sort of thing does she say?
I don't really listen.
It's worse than Oregon moaning about the Slutty Professor.
Come on, what sort of things does she say?
You know. How annoying you are.
What a dick you can be.
How funny you are, but that doesn't matter.
Really?
Have you had any of the food? It's fucking good.
Do you... Can I... I'm so sorry. That is smooth.
Hi. Sorry... Sorry for your loss, still.
Thank you.
No, seriously, if I knew the food was going to be this good
at my dad's funeral, I'd kill the fucker tomorrow.
Come on, let's go. I've worked the room.
There's people waiting to be rocked and DJ Rape is
going to rock them, whether they like it or not.
My God. Tell me you didn't put that on the flyers.
Hello.
Hi, it's me.
Hey, sexy. Where have you been? Dinner's ready.
I've go something hot and sticky for you.
I've had to go to a funeral and...
What?
It's no biggie. I'm going to a party later.
You're going to a party?!
It's not part of the funeral. It's a... Love Cloud thing.
I've cooked a whole turbot.
Freeze it?
Turbots lose their flavour if you freeze them.
What? Hello, who's that? Am I on speakerphone?
I'm driving.
I hate turbot.
When someone slaps you in the face with one, it fucking hurts.
Look, Oregon, how long?
Guys, fuck Tony.
We're going to be late-issimo. Oregon, that's the exit coming up.
- Signal, Oregon. - What the fuck, did you signal?!
Oregon, can we just...
Sorry, Tony, I've got to go. Bye!
Wait. Oregon. Oregon?
Guys! I made it!
Let's get this party started!
It has started.
Well... let's keep it going.
JP, no, listen.
Didn't think you'd show, so had to get a replacement DJ in for 5am.
What?! Well, un-get the DJ.
I'm here! Cancel him!
Firstly, it's a she,
and secondly, she is really fit, so no. Sorry, geeze.
Who's up for getting fucking smashed?
Yeah? Fucking Love Cloud... oh.
Apparently, Josie slags me off when she gets pissed.
Am I mad that I find encouraging?
Depends if it's like, "Kingsley takes so long in the shower!"
Or more, "Kingsley's morally bankrupt"
"and every single thing about him makes me shiver with repulsion."
What do you want, then?
I want you to be here next term.
I don't think they do that.
One tequila, one sambuca.
Why do you care anyway?
You won't be there, you'll be in IKEA, writing down the names
of chairs with a tiny pencil and eating turbots.
I won't!
I'll be straddling the house and the flat.
Straddling Shales like the sweaty man hog he is, more like.
Right, that's it, I'm going to do it.
Close the deal.
Funeral, nightclub, it's the end of term,
If she freaks, I can just say I was drunk on cocktails and grief
for a man I've never met.
I can still have fun, you know.
Sure. Loads of fun.
Just so as long as you're home in time to make him his cocoa
and read him the Guardian while you have to pull him off?
A-mazing stroke play?
I mean, it is Rafa Nadal's backhand,
if he was in the final of Wanker's Wimbledon.
You're not even going to be able to look
at your strawberries and cream after this.
Who sent you that?
JP.
Said to keep it on the down low, but...
you can't not share this.
I mean, it's the shizzle. Who is this freak?
He's gonna get monstered.
That... that's...
That's... that's actually me.
Guys, check this out, we have a celebrity in the house!
What you've just done is probably the noblest thing anyone
has ever done in relation to wanking in the entire history of wanking.
Thank you.
I mean, this is the guy. The wonderful wizard of wank!
Look, so he wanks. So what?
Hey, Rafa, who's this? Your ball boy?
Just... Just leave him alone.
Fuck!
Tobes, Cunty.
Chuck me out in a minute, I need to find someone.
You're got to have to leave if you're bleeding. Health and safety.
Josie! Josie!
I could get you a kebab.
My mouth hurts.
It's OK, I could eat it, as a symbol of my gratitude.
Can I get a kebab, mate?
Course you can.
Have you got any money?
Has anyone seen Kingsley?
It feels a bit weird hanging out, you know, without his shitty jokes.
Yeah, Ralph paid for everything.
He's a dude.
Yeah, cost about 10K. All Ralph's own money.
He's like Bono, if Bono was cool.
That is fucking out of order.
All right! I just wanna say,
big up, JP!
Yeah, a lot of people think he's a posh lob-on, and fair dos.
But truth is, he shelled out for all this, so... kudos.
What the fuck?! Are you going to tell that lesbo to fuck off?
No. You fuck off.
Thanks, Vod.
Really appreciate it, but this wasn't all paid for by me.
In fact, this night was paid for by my dad.
So I'd like everyone to raise a glass to my late father.
To dead Dad!
Dad... this one's for you.
Peace, love and good hunting.
I've just eaten a whole turbot. And they're rich.
Where the fuck are you?
So, yeah, give me a shout.
Or if you're on your way back, then... just ignore this, obviously.
Cool. Bye.
I lo... I love you. Bye.
One, two.
Vod, you've got to stay.
I mean, cos then we can have more nights like this.
And also because...
Well, you're my best...
Fuck it.
All right. I'll go to the interview.
It's not like I've got anything else planned...
Wicked! OK! OK!
We've got to think of things for you to say.
So, who's your favourite author on the course?
Easy. Great Gatsby.
He's a book, not the author.
The Great Gatsby wrote a book called Great Gatsby?
What a big fucking I-am.
Hey! You're back. Where's Josie?
Upstairs.
Great.What happened to you?
Doesn't matter!
Josie?
For fuck's sake!
Stop sleeping with him!
Well, I couldn't find you.
That's the worst excuse I've ever heard in my life!
It's not her fault, K-man.
I'm just irresistible.
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