(SEAGULLS CAWING)
(BANJO PLAYING)
CANDICE MARIE: # I want to get away, she said, I want to get away
KEITH: # I'll take you on a trip, he said
KEITH: # We'll have a holiday
BOTH: # We'll be with Mother Nature and laugh and sing and play
# I want to get away, she said, I want to get away
CANDICE MARIE: # I wonder where we'll go, she said
# I wonder where we'll go
KEITH: # I'll look around the world, he said, I'll search both high and low
BOTH: # The prettiest is Dorset, it has so many charms
# We'll walk across the hills and dales and look at all the farms #
CANDICE MARIE: You can't sing that, Keith.
KEITH: Why not?
CANDICE MARIE: It doesn't sound right. Better to sing...
# We'll walk across the hills and dales linking each other's arms #
KEITH: Well, that doesn't scan.
-Hello, good afternoon. -Good afternoon.
My name's Mr Pratt. I phoned Mr Beale on the 21 st of March.
-Shall I park over there? -Yes, do.
Thank you.
Now then, Candice Marie,
you stay here and I'll go across and check in at the office.
-I won't be long. -I'll come across with you, Keith.
Now you stay here and mind the things.
-Don't touch the ignition key. -I want to come with you, Keith.
I'd prefer it if you stayed there. Now, I won't be long.
-Nice day. -MISS BEALE: Yes, isn't it?
Yes, we stopped off at Winchester, had a look at the cathedral and...
Did my father tell you about paying in advance?
-No, he didn't mention that. -You have to pay in advance.
-Two adults? -Yes.
-One car? -That's right.
-One tent. -Yes.
-And you're staying for how many nights? -Ten nights.
That'll be £1 0.
Oh. Er...
£1 0, camping.
Right. Now, there's £1 0 exactly.
Now I have to sign here, do I?
-Yes, I'll give you a receipt. -Thank you.
-What's the date? -It's the 21 st.
BOTH: Twenty-first.
-And your name is... -Mr Pratt. K Pratt.
Pratt.
We have a daily delivery of eggs, milk and bread
if you'd like to place an order.
-Are the, uh, eggs free range? -No.
-And the milk is pasteurised? -Yes.
Yes, well, we have our own bread
and we won't be needing any deliveries, thank you.
Croydon, Surrey.
Lavatories, sinks, wash-hand basins, towels
and somewhere to dry your clothes.
-Hello. -Hello.
This is my wife, Mrs Pratt.
How do you do? Now I'll show you the toilet block.
Gents on the right, ladies on the left.
-Hello. -Hello.
And hot and cold water.
And we can do our washing up down there, can we?
No, there's taps all over the campsite.
I see.
And can we pitch our tent anywhere we like?
Yes, providing you keep your car to the gravel.
Enjoy your stay.
Make sure the colours are right.
Red to red.
Green to green.
KEITH: All right, now pass green in to me.
-Green. -Yes.
Stage seven. Flysheet.
That's it, over the top.
Now, locate the eyelet, Candice Marie.
-Isn't it lovely, Keith? -Yes.
Right, what's next?
Now, stage eight, you put the kettle on and I'll peg out the flysheet.
Right.
That looks just like a watch, Keith.
Yes, different function, of course,
simply tells you how far you've walked.
There we are, just as I told you. We have our own little nest here.
Hmm.
Do you want to hear my new poem, Keith?
Yes, I'd love to.
''A gentle flower that grows in spring
''That feels the sun upon its face
''It's free to smile and laugh and grin
''It knows no guilt or hate or sin
''It has no battles it must win
''Oh, how I love and envy him.''
Oh, it's quite simple.
It works on the same principle as an ordinary thermometer,
it contains mercury.
The only difference being that there are two sets of readings,
one for the maximum temperature and one for the minimum temperature.
What's that, Keith?
It's a little magnet, one uses it to reset the metal indices.
Hmm.
The important thing, of course, is to maintain a dietary balance.
Mmm. We're having our protein in the beans, aren't we?
That's right, body-building proteins.
We had cheese at lunchtime and we're having
haricot beans for our evening meal.
-Are we having salad for lunch? -That's right.
What's the treat?
-Guess. -Raw mushrooms?
-That's right. -Mmm, my favourite.
-And onion and nut roast for supper? -Boiled jacket potatoes.
BOTH: Vitamin C in their skins.
Yogurt to follow and cocoa at bedtime.
-I'm very happy, Keith. -Yes, so am I.
-Good night. -Good night.
Kiss Prudence.
KEITH: Good night.
-Look at that, Corfe Castle! -Mmm.
The castle was besieged by Cromwell and his treacherous forces.
-Where are the dungeons, Keith? -What?
-Where are the dungeons? -Why do you keep on about the dungeons?
'Cause I want to know where they are.
You seem to have a morbid interest in where the dungeons are.
I don't, Keith. I want to know where they are, that's all.
-Come along. -I wish you'd stop rushing, Keith.
Look at that view, look at that! That's wonderful.
-What's that, Keith? -What?
That.
Oh, that's number four.
Ah, there's number 1 1 .
Now, that's the king's tower.
-Wish I had the guidebook, Keith. -But why?
Well, how am I supposed to know what all these numbers are?
Well, I'm telling you, aren't I?
Now, there's number eight over there.
KEITH: This is the queen's tower.
Keith!
-Yes. -Isn't it lovely?
Can you imagine what it must have been like hundreds of years ago?
KEITH: Yes.
All the sort of kings and queens walking about in all their fineries.
Yes.
And eating great bowls of fruit and luscious grapes
and drinking wine out of golden goblets. Must have been lovely.
KEITH: Look at this view.
Brownsea Island, Round Island, the Lakeland of Dorset.
Pity about the power station in the background, never mind.
There are the heaths, Newton Heath, Rempstone Heath, Wych Heath,
disused railway line going up to Wareham, and the great nimbocumulus
rising above it all like great puffs of cotton wool.
-Look at all this rubbish, Keith. -What?
-Isn't it awful? Look at those tin cans. -Yes.
Just imagine, Keith, if all the people who lived here could come back
and see all these crisp bags and sweet papers.
-Yes. -They'd be horrified, wouldn't they?
They'd find it difficult to comprehend
all the changes that have taken place in the world.
-Do you think they do come back, Keith? -What?
-Their ghosts. -No.
There's a car going up the B3351 .
CANDICE MARIE: Lovely, aren't they? KEITH: Yes. Very nice.
Go on ahead, get up, go.
(HUMMING)
Good morning.
-Morning. -KEITH: I wonder if you could help me.
I'm trying to get hold of some untreated milk.
-Oh, yeah? -Do you have any?
About 400 gallons.
Well, could you sell me some?
-No chance. -Oh, why not?
-It's illegal, isn't it? -KEITH: Sorry?
It's illegal. Against the law, not allowed.
Well, we can buy untreated milk in our health shop at home.
Ah, yeah, well that would be because it'd be from an accredited herd.
They've got a licence, I haven't.
What's wrong with your herd?
Nothing's wrong with my herd, or with the milk, drink it myself.
So does the wife, all the kids, everybody on this farm.
Well, why can't we drink it?
It's all sent off for pasteurisation, you see.
We sell through the milk marketing board.
-That's not very good for it, is it? -What, pasteurisation?
I was under the impression it reduced the nutritive value.
That's all bollocks, that.
No, it doesn't affect the protein content at all.
No, it just kills a few bugs,
stops a few diseases, you know, TB, brucellosis, salmonella.
Well, surely it would be better to have an accredited herd in the first place
instead of a herd that's full of all those dreadful diseases.
Well, I trust my cows aren't full of dreadful diseases,
at least I hope not. None of us dropped dead yet.
You know, if people like you want to spend
a bloody fortune on untreated milk,
well, I'd go accredited. Just a question of economics.
Yes, well, economics are at the root of quite a few of the world's problems.
Society gets what society wants.
-Thank you. -Thank you.
FARMER: You people like to pay me a fortune for it, I'd go accredited.
-Keith. -Hmm?
You know, you always tell me to chew everything 72 times?
-Hmm. -Well, I don't think that can be right
because, I mean, for instance, you're chewing nuts now
and they have to be chewed 72 times because they're very hard,
but earlier on I was eating mushroom
and I only got as far as 31
and it slipped down my throat quite naturally,
so it doesn't always have to be 72 times, does it?
Well, the important thing is to use your discretion.
(RADIO PLAYING MAGNETO AND TITANIUM MAN BY WINGS)
Hello.
You'll have to tell him, Keith.
What are you going to say to him, Keith?
Excuse me. Are you listening to your radio?
No, not really.
Would you mind turning it off then, please?
JINGLE SINGERS: # David Hamilton #
DJ: Mystery Star clue... SINGERS: # Number three #
DJ: Here is clue three for the Mystery Star today,
he was once a member of a group called Kipp...
He was once a member of a group called Kipp
and he's the baby of the group,
and he's now writing some rather good songs in a partnership.
If you know your pop music, you should know the name of the Mystery Star,
and if you do you can win yourself something...
He hasn't turned it off, Keith.
He's just ignored you completely.
It's not fair, is it?
(RADIO CONTINUES PLAYING)
Honestly, Keith, if this carries on it's going to ruin my holiday.
I don't know how you can sit there and read books, Keith,
will all this row going on.
Well, if you don't tell him, Keith, I'm going to have to go over myself.
Keith!
Excuse me.
(RADIO STOPS)
What?
Look, I hope you don't mind my saying this
but we've come down here to get away from the hurly-burly of town life,
the hustle and the bustle of living in an urban conurbation.
We've come to be in the peace of the countryside.
Now, if you don't mind my saying so,
your radio is rather disturbing that peace
and I think it's only fair to ask you
either to stop playing it or to move your tent.
Well, if you don't like it why don't you move your tent?
Because we were here first.
So what? I paid for the campsite as well as you.
There are other things in life apart from money.
One should have consideration for one's fellow creatures.
Exactly. We didn't bring our radio because we didn't want to cause
noise pollution and disturb other campers.
Good for you.
-You're not being very fair, you know. -Oh, do us a favour, missus.
KEITH: Look, everything was peaceful until you came along!
(RADIO STARTS PLAYING)
Higher ground over there,
which means the weather readings will be slightly different.
It's not fair, Keith, why should we have to move our tent?
You have to be decisive at times like these.
-We're going to get soaked, Keith. -Come along.
-Where are we going tomorrow, Keith? -Along the coastal path.
Hope it's not raining then.
Oh, it will only be a shower, I should think, if it is.
Probably be over by tomorrow, anyway.
How far is it along the coastal path?
-Oh, it's a few miles. -How many miles?
Well, uh...
five or six.
Hope it's not more than five or six, Keith.
(SEAGULLS CAWING)
KEITH: Come along.
CANDICE MARIE: Keith, wait for me.
CANDICE MARIE: How far have we come?
KEITH: Well, there we are, you can see. We started at Kimmeridge Bay,
came along the coastal path above the Kimmeridge Ledges
with their fingers stretching out into the sea,
over Egmont Point, round Chapman's Pool and here we are at St Aldhelm's Head,
sometimes known as St Alban's Head.
CANDICE MARIE: And how much further have we got to go?
KEITH: Oh, not far.
Now, that's what we call a limestone outlier.
It's made of Portland stone as found on the Isle of Portland.
Of course, some people think that Portland stone is only found there
but it can be found on the mainland here and vice versa.
-Look at that boat, Keith. -You're not listening, Candice Marie.
Hello.
-He's bought some milk, Keith. -Yes, I know.
I'll be able to wear these tomorrow, Keith, for climbing on the rocks.
No, boots are for hiking.
We'll wear our plimsolls for clambering about the rocks,
our sandals on the beach
and our boots for tramping the path in the afternoon.
CANDICE MARIE: We can't take three types of footwear, Keith.
KEITH: You need the right tools for the job.
What's he doing, Keith?
I don't know.
Probably thinks he's a geologist or something.
How far was that walk today, Keith?
Oh, just under 1 4 miles.
CANDICE MARIE: I hope you haven't arranged any more as long as that.
KEITH: Your legs will soon get used to it.
-Ah, there we are. -Did she sell you some, Keith?
Yes, nice lady. It's very cheap.
She said this is the only accredited herd in the area.
CANDICE MARIE: It's funny to think, Keith, that milk you're holding
came out of one of those cows only this morning.
KEITH: Mmm. It'd be interesting to know which one.
CANDICE MARIE: What does it mean, Keith?
It means the road to East and West Lulworth
via Povington Hill is closed.
Does that mean we can't go?
No, it doesn't mean that. It just means it's spoilt the schedule.
I'd planned to take 45 minutes along that road
and now we're going to be late.
-Didn't you know it might be closed? -No, I didn't.
Let's have a look at the map.
(KEITH SIGHING)
You've got it upside down.
You should pay attention, Candice Marie.
Well, let's go somewhere else, Keith.
We can't go somewhere else, we're going to Lulworth Cove today.
It's on the schedule. Right.
Let's go to Lulworth Cove tomorrow.
We can't go tomorrow, we're going to a quarry tomorrow.
Now, look at the map.
Now, we're going over the hill to East Creech, Creech,
East Holme up towards Stoborough along the B3070
down to Lulworth Cove that way.
You don't always have to stick to the schedule, you know, Keith.
No point in having a schedule if you don't stick to it.
-What do they do, Keith? -Who?
The army.
Oh, they practise their manoeuvres down on the heath.
There's a dangerous bend, look at that.
Keith, if we didn't have an army, just think about it.
KEITH: Yes.
CANDICE MARIE: The only reason that we've all got armies
is because other countries have them.
KEITH: Oh, yes. CANDICE MARIE: If we said, right,
we'll be the first country to say we're scrapping the army completely.
KEITH: Yes. CANDICE MARIE: Then everyone else might
-gradually follow suit. -Yes.
CANDICE MARIE: Then we'd have no wars at all and no trouble.
KEITH: Yes. CANDICE MARIE: And no killings.
KEITH: There are some very unscrupulous people about, you know, I mean,
we have to defend ourselves against the people
who are less responsible than ourselves,
especially those, in civilian terms, who take the law into their own hands.
CANDICE MARIE: Keith!
Hello! It's marvellous down here!
The sea has worn through the limestone and formed an arch
and it's pushed back the Wealden clay and it's a little cove. It's lovely!
Don't come too near the edge!
Candice Marie, you're standing on sedimentary limestone!
It's been folded and it's in the shape of a stair,
that's why it's called Stair Hole!
There's a stair there and a hole down here!
I can't hear you, Keith.
What?
Can't hear you!
-Come along. -It's pouring with rain,
I can hardly see 'cause my glasses are all steamed up.
Oh, it's all right. It's only a shower from low stratus.
It'll pass over soon.
-Come on, you can jump here. -I'm not jumping over there, Keith.
-What? Come on. -I'm going up here.
Oh, come on, it's only a little jump.
It's all right for you, Keith, you're always rushing ahead.
I can never keep up with you.
Why don't you wait for me sometimes?
Isn't it lovely, Keith?
Yes, splendid. It's choppy out to sea and it's calm inside the cove here.
What are you doing?
Just collecting some pebbles to take back.
-Well, you shouldn't do that, you know. -Why not?
Well, if everybody did that there wouldn't be any pebbles left.
-Don't be ridiculous, Keith. -Well, there wouldn't.
There are thousands of pebbles on this beach.
I told you what happened at Brighton in Victorian times,
look at that.
People leaving their litter all over...
The sea comes in...
(CONTINUES CHATTERING, INAUDIBLE)
KEITH: It's only low stratus that's moving across quite quickly.
Look at that poor chap.
-He must be soaked, Keith. -Yes.
-Shall we give him a lift? -Shall we?
Yes.
Want a lift?
Well, if you're going near the campsite, yes, please.
Our larder isn't sticking in you, is it?
No.
Oh, it's just a small larder that we've brought with us.
It's got a wire mesh front and it keeps the food nice and fresh.
-It's handy, that, isn't it? -Yes.
Where are you from?
Cardiff, but I'm studying up in London now..
-At university? -No, teachers' training college.
Oh.
Keith works for the Social Services, don't you, Keith?
Oh, aye?
Organises pensioners' holidays, Meals on Wheels, that sort of thing.
Ah.
-I work in a toy shop. -Oh.
(CHUCKLES)
CANDICE MARIE: Oh, sorry, what's your name, if you don't mind me asking?
Ray.
Well, that's Keith, and I'm Candice Marie.
RAY: Pleased to meet you.
Nice, isn't he, Keith?
Good job I wore my boots today, Keith. My feet would have got soaked.
I'm going up West Hill for a walk.
Excuse me, Ray.
Sorry to trouble you, but I was just wondering
if you'd like to have a look at the pebbles I've collected?
-Yeah, sure. Do you want to come in? -Thank you.
It's... It's a bit cramped, you know, but it's all right, like.
-Hmm. -I was just drying out.
Yes, I've had to change my trousers as well.
-There you are. -Oh, thank you.
-All right. -It's nice, isn't it?
Well, it's all right for one, you know.
(RAY CLEARS THROAT)
These are the pebbles I've collected.
This one in particular is really nice.
I was going to varnish it and then set it on a ring like that.
-That'd be nice, that. -Lovely, isn't it?
Not too sure what it is, actually. It might be...
Might have some flint in it, I'm not sure.
-Well... -Lovely.
I'm not too sure, either, really.
I'm only a sort of amateur geologist myself but...
I got to do it as part of my course, you know.
-Oh, at college? -Yeah, it's part of my history course.
I've got to do a thesis on the geology of a certain area, like, you know.
It's not my main subject, like, PE's my main subject
but I've got to do history as a subsidiary subject.
Funny combination, isn't it? PE and history.
Yeah, if I had my way I'd just sort of do PE
but, you know, one of those things.
-Oh, isn't that a lovely drawing. -Yeah, it's a good book, that.
Ancient Purbeck. Lovely dinosaur on the front.
It's got everything, you know, history, geology, everything.
Keith'd love this book.
Well, you can borrow it if you want.
-Could I? -Yeah.
-Just for a couple of days? -Yeah.
Oh, thank you very much.
-Oh, look, there's Lulworth Cove. -Yeah.
Have you been anywhere else?
Well, I was thinking of going down to Corfe Castle to take a look round.
We were there the other day, it's lovely.
Oh, yeah?
Oh, look, I've got a good idea.
Why don't you borrow our Corfe Castle guide,
save yourself 20p and we can do a swap.
-Yeah, that'd be great. -Yes, a good idea.
Look, I'll pop that Corfe Castle guide over in a couple of minutes.
-Right, okay. -If that's all right.
-Yeah, thanks a lot. -Right, thanks very much, Ray.
That's okay. See you.
Well, when I was at school, Keith, I was hopeless at maths.
Well, I was only hopeless at maths 'cause I wasn't interested in it,
and it's the same with Ray.
He hates geology and history
and his main interest is PE, so why does he have to do another subject?
Well, I don't know! Let's go and ask Ray, shall we?
-Keith, don't be silly. -Let's ask Ray.
-Keith, don't be silly. -Come along.
Excuse me, Ray, wonder if you can help us with a little problem here?
Candice Marie was wondering why,
when you're doing one subject that you're happy with,
why you have to do another one that you don't want to do at all?
Well, apart from being a requirement of the college like...
Ah, it's a requirement of the college, Candice Marie.
-All right, Keith. -There we are.
Perhaps you would like to sit here and talk to Ray about it, would you?
Or would you like to come across to our tent
and sit down and talk to Candice Marie?
-I'm sorry, Ray. -Yeah, sure.
I'm going for another walk.
Do you want to come?
CANDICE MARIE: No.
And if you must know, Keith, I don't want to come on any more trips
with you or any more walks.
You were horrible to Ray.
He must be really upset now.
Anyway, Keith, instead of going for a walk
I think you should go across and apologise to him.
And if I don't?
Then I don't want to go on any more trips with you.
(SIGHS)
KEITH: Ray?
What?
I've come over to apologise.
What for?
For what happened earlier.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, sure, forget it.
What did you say to him, Keith?
I said I was sorry.
And what did Ray say?
He said it didn't matter.
Don't you feel better now you've apologised, Keith?
Oh, yes, much better.
I knew you would.
Anybody there, Keith?
No.
(HAMMERING)
Hello!
Hello there.
We were wondering if we could have a look round your quarry?
You want to buy some stone?
Oh, you sell it here, do you?
Yeah, 'tis a quarry.
-Oh, no, no... -We just wanted to have a look round.
Ah, it's okay.
Main hole's over there.
What, down that way?
Yeah, just follow the tracks.
Oh, right, thank you.
Now, come along, Candice Marie.
Well, there it is,
the Purbeck Stone, in situ, so to speak.
CANDICE MARIE: Where, Keith?
It's all around us. Portland Stone is further down.
Look at the clay, Keith.
Don't get mud all over your boots, you'll tread it in the car.
Can't help it in a quarry, Keith.
-Hello! -You found it all right, then?
Yes, quite shallow, isn't it?
I was expecting it to be deeper than that.
-Oh, yeah? -Yeah.
-What are you doing? -Just dress walling this.
-Oh, I see, making a wall? -Well, dressing the stone.
Oh, I see.
Is it dangerous?
-Oh, 'tis where you're standing. -Oh, why's that?
The chips fly off, don't they?
Oh, stand back, Candice Marie, stand back, it's dangerous there.
Yeah, this is for our new post office in Corfe Castle.
Oh, did you hear that? They're making a nice little post office.
Excuse me, we were wondering
if you've got any fossils around that we could look at?
Yes.
Pick up a stone.
Go on, any one, pick it up.
Now, you have a look in there.
Look! Look at that! Seaweed!
CANDICE MARIE: Isn't that lovely? KEITH: Yes, lovely. Look at that.
-You found some seaweed, did you? -KEITH: Yes.
Yeah, well, 'tis not seaweed, see.
-No? What is it? -Manganese oxide.
It looks like a living organism to me.
Yeah, most people think that.
Oh, do they?
Do you have any ammonites?
No. Got some dinosaur footprints.
Have you? Where are they?
They come in the roach beds, we got some up last week.
-KEITH: Could we see them? -Yeah, they're up by the shed there.
-Oh, right. Come along, Candice Marie. -Thank you very much.
-Just by the path, on the right. -KEITH: Thank you.
QUARRYMAN: You could have one if you was interested.
-Oh, could we? -Yeah, five pound.
Oh, thank you.
Look, there it is, look at that.
-Isn't that wonderful, Keith? -Yes.
-Millions of years old. -Yes.
A footprint of a pterodactyl only made possible
because once upon a time this was soft mud.
Look, it's the same length as my foot.
I don't think you should do that, Keith.
-What? -That's millions of years old
and you're putting your muddy old boots all over it.
It doesn't matter, it's dirty anyway.
-Do you find many of these? -Yeah.
Must be really exciting when you discover one.
Well, when you find the first one, you know where they're all going to be.
Oh, why's that?
Well, he's walking across the mud, isn't he?
KEITH: Oh, I see, they all go in the same direction.
Well, yeah. There's two of them on there.
Good gracious, look at that, one behind the other.
Quite short strides.
CANDICE MARIE: Well, they only had very short legs, Keith.
KEITH: Yes, big bodies.
Of course, they were vegetarians, weren't they?
Do you want one of these then?
KEITH: No, it's too large. I wouldn't be able to get it in the car.
There are some smaller ones over there.
No, no, no, no, it'd be too much for the suspension.
We might be able to get one of those very thin ones in, Keith.
No. We've got too much equipment, Candice Marie.
-What kind of car have you got? -I've got a Morris Minor.
I don't suppose you've got a really small fossil that we could buy?
No, they all come this size.
'Course, get one of them on the roof. Got a roof rack?
No, no, no, it's a coupe, unfortunately.
-Never mind, at least we've seen them. -Yeah.
Well, thanks very much, anyway.
-All right. -Thanks very much.
-Cheerio. -CANDICE MARIE: Bye.
(SEAGULLS CAWING)
KEITH: Here we are, there's old Harry.
It'd be lovely to have a photograph of the two of us in front of it, Keith,
-wouldn't it? -Yes.
Keith, when we get back to the campsite,
shall I ask Ray to take our photograph?
I'm sure your mother and Dennis would love a photograph
of the two of us on holiday.
KEITH: It's a vertical chalk stack,
'course at one time the chalk stretched from here to the Isle of Wight,
but the sea has eroded it away over the centuries.
# Froggy went a-courting and he did ride, ah-ha
# Ah-ha
# Froggy went a-courting and he did ride, ah-ha
# Ah-ha
# Froggy went a-courting and he did ride
# Sword and a pistol by his side, ah-ha #
Look at that lovely little robin up there.
Oh, yes, lovely.
-Keith. -Hmm?
Do you think it would be a good idea to ask Ray to come over now
and take our photograph, before it gets dark?
Then perhaps he could have a nice cup of tea with us.
Do you think that's a good idea, Keith?
If you like.
Yes, I'll go across and ask him, then.
-Excuse me, Ray? -Yeah?
Sorry to interrupt. I was just wondering if you could do us a favour?
Yeah?
Would you mind coming across and taking a photograph of Keith and I?
-Yeah, yeah. -Oh, thanks very much.
And perhaps you would like to have a cup of tea with us,
because the kettle's on.
-Yeah, sure. -That be all right?
-Yeah, okay. -Oh, thanks very much.
Oh, sorry, could you bring your own cup? Because we've only got two.
Yeah.
-Hello, Ray. -Hello.
-How are you? -Fine, thanks.
See you've brought your own cup along. Sorry we've only got two.
We weren't expecting any visitors.
-Sit yourself down. -Thank you.
KEITH: I was just doing a spot of bird watching.
Lovely to have the species all around you.
We've got the Observer Book of Birds.
Not many birds down where you are,
I suppose the tap frightens them away, does it?
Well, I hadn't noticed really, you know.
We're very lucky up here. We have the Endymion non-scriptus all around us,
the bluebells.
-KEITH: Where did you go today? -Corfe Castle.
Oh, we went to Corfe Castle on Day 2, didn't we, Candice Marie?
-Splendid battlements. -Yeah.
-I did a painting of it. -Oh, yeah?
Would you like to show Ray your picture?
I don't think Ray would be very interested.
Oh, I'm sure you'd like to see
Candice Marie's picture, wouldn't you, Ray?
-Yeah, sure. -Oh, won't be a minute, then.
I went to a quarry this afternoon.
Oh, did you? That's a coincidence. We went to a quarry as well.
There was a man there chipping away at a wall.
That's my picture, Ray.
This is Candice Marie's picture, it's a watercolour.
Ah, it's nice that, isn't it? Did you have any art training?
No, no, I just love to paint, don't I, Keith?
Mmm.
I was never any good at it at school, you know.
It's just a hobby, one of our many interests.
Do you have any hobbies, Ray?
Well, sport, really, you know.
Oh, I saw you doing your exercises this morning.
I follow the Royal Canadian Air Force system myself.
RAY: Oh, yeah? KEITH: Do you have a system?
Well, I was just doing basic sort of rugby circuit training, really.
-Yes, but is it a system? -What do you mean, system?
Well, is it tabulated, do you time yourself?
Well, you can do if you want to, but I was just loosening up.
Oh, I see.
Have you seen my maximum-minimum thermometer over there?
Oh, yeah.
One of my instruments for logging the weather.
Another one over here.
This is a portable barometer, bit like a travelling clock, really.
Bit silly in the middle of the night,
if you wake up and want to know the time,
turn over, and all you'll find out is whether it's fair or foul.
-Do you take sugar, Ray? -Yeah, two, please.
It's only brown sugar. Is that all right?
Sure. As long as it's sweet, you know.
We don't keep the killer whites in our tent, do we, Candice Marie?
-No. -White flour, white sugar.
Lot of people don't realise
the body doesn't need sugar as most people know it,
breaks down carbohydrates into polysaccharides,
which are natural sugars more easily absorbed by the body.
We can get our sugar from fruit and honey.
Glucose, sucrose and frucrose.
-Did you know that, Ray? -Yeah.
Oh.
You, uh, eat meat, Ray?
Oh, yeah, I love meat, it's great.
Candice Marie and I don't take it, do we?
No. Keith and I believe that it's inhumane to kill animals for food.
Man is not a carnivore, he's naturally a frugivore,
he eats fruit and nuts.
It's interesting to note, Ray, that a carnivore's jaws
move up and down like this
but a plant-eating animal and human being's jaws
also swing from side to side, like that.
Yes, and a carnivore has a very short intestine
suitable for carrying the putrefying meat through the system
whereas a human being has a very long intestine
not suitable for that function at all.
No wonder so many people have cancer of the bowel.
Well, I don't know, a lot of athletes and sportsmen eat meat.
They seem to do all right by it.
Oh, yes, but it's a well-known fact, Ray,
that a world champion marathon runner was a vegetarian
and he reckoned that it improved his running.
Yes, a lot of famous people in history have been vegetarians,
Leonardo da Vinci, Malcolm Muggeridge.
''And God said, behold, I have given unto thee every herb-bearing seed
''which is upon the face of the earth,
''and every tree, in which is the fruit of every tree-yielding seed,
''to you it shall be for meat.''
Genesis Chapter 1 , Verse 29.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Do you mind if I smoke?
Well...
You do what you want to do, Ray.
It's just that Keith and I believe that smoking damages your health.
Well, never mind.
You see, Ray, you can't see the damage that it's doing,
but if I could take one of your lungs now
and put it on the table in front of you and cut it in half,
I think you'd be absolutely horrified.
You have to remember that the air polluted by one person
has to be breathed by everybody else.
Pollution is one of the great disasters of our age.
I see running a car doesn't bother you much.
Oh, I only use it for getting from A to B.
RAY: Is that a banjo?
Yes, that's one of our interests.
I have a banjo and Candice Marie has a guitar.
Would you like to show your guitar to Ray, Candice Marie?
All right.
Yes, matter of fact, we make up songs together.
We went on a trip up to London one day last year
and made up a song about going to the zoo.
-Would you like to hear it? -Yeah, why not?
All right.
Do you have a girlfriend, Ray?
-Pardon? -Do you have a girlfriend?
No.
Are you married?
I can't afford it.
Well, money isn't everything when you're in love.
-Is it, Candice Marie? -No, Keith.
Hmm.
Well, I usually take the time from Candice Marie, anyway.
# I want to see... #
Candice Marie sings the first and the third line
and then I come in with the second line and we both sing the last line together.
This is Candice Marie's first line.
# I want to see the zoo, she said, I want to see the zoo
My line.
# I want to take you there, he said, I want to go with you
# I want to see the lions
The third line.
# And the tigers, too
KEITH: Last line.
BOTH: # I want to see the zoo, she said, I want to see the zoo #
KEITH: Do you sing, Ray?
Well, I chant a bit, you know.
What, madrigals?
-No. -KEITH: What sort of thing?
Well, I don't think it'd be quite suitable here, you know.
Shall we sing the second verse, Candice Marie? Yes.
Slightly different from the first.
-Keep your rhythm, Keith. -Oh, sorry, yes.
# I want to see the zoo, she said, I want to see the zoo
# I want to take you there, he said, I want to go with you
-# I'd be afraid of the lions -Different lines here, you see.
# And of the tigers, too
# I'd be afraid of everything if I did not have you #
See, I got the lines wrong there.
They're slightly different from the first.
-Now would you like to join in, Ray? -Well, I don't think so...
Yes, come along. You can sing the second and the fourth line with me, all right?
''I want to take you there, he said, I want to go with you.''
And then the last line is
''I want to see the zoo, she said, I want to see the zoo.''
I'll help you. All right, Candice Marie?
-# I want to see the zoo, she said -Candice Marie's first line.
# I want to see the zoo
# I want to take you there, he said, I want to go with you
-That's it. Here we are, Ray. Ready? -# I want to see the lions
-# And the tigers, too -Here we are.
ALL: # I want to see the zoo, she said, I want to see the zoo #
-Well done, Ray! -Well done, Ray.
-That's lovely. -You're good.
Would you like to try it on your own?
-No, I don't think so. -KEITH: Yes, do the last line, yes.
''I want to see the zoo, she said, I want to see the zoo.''
All right? I'll help you.
# I want to see the zoo, she said, I want to see the zoo
# I want to take you there, he said, I want to go with you
-# I want to see the lions -Here we are, Ray, coming up, ready?
-# And the tigers, too -Here we are.
# I want to see the zoo, she said, I want to see the zoo #
KEITH: That's very good, Ray, very good. CANDICE MARIE: Nice voice, Ray.
-Do you want that photograph taken now? -Oh, yes.
Oh, yes, Ray, yes. Have you taken a photograph before?
Yeah.
Right, I'll just set the camera for you.
Now, you stand there, Candice Marie.
Further forward, further forward, that's it, stand there. Stay there.
Now, the sun is over there...
Eleven feet should do it, right.
One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine,
1 0, 1 1 .
Come along, Ray, stand over here,
on the line, that's it.
Left foot forward more. Now, 1 1 feet.
There we are.
Now, look into the little black box. Can you see Candice Marie?
-Yeah. -Good.
Now, wait until I get over there
and when you can see us both in the little black box,
press that button.
-Can you do that? -Yeah.
Good.
-Ready? -Yes.
-Apron, Keith. -What?
-You've still got your apron on. -Oh, yes.
Thank you, Ray, you did that very well indeed.
CANDICE MARIE: Thank you very much, Ray.
-Actually, Keith. -Yes?
What would be really lovely is if we could take a picture of Ray.
-If that would be all right. -Yes, if you want to.
Do you want to have your photograph taken, Ray?
I don't mind.
Actually, Keith, what would be really nice
is if you could take a picture of Ray and myself.
Well, if you want to. Where do you want me to take it?
Outside Ray's tent?
No, outside our tent, same place as us, if that's all right.
Would you like to go and stand over there, Ray?
Yes, come on, Ray.
Smile.
Oh, come along, say cheese.
-BOTH: Cheese. -Big cheese.
-BOTH: Cheese. -No, say ''big cheese''.
BOTH: Big cheese.
Oh, you can do better than that. Now, come along.
One, two, three...
BOTH: Big cheese!
(CAMERA CLICKS)
(BANJO AND GUITAR PLAYING)
CANDICE MARIE AND KEITH: # Love, oh love, oh careless love
# Love, oh love
# Oh careless love
# Oh see what love has done to me
# Once I wore my apron low
# Once... #
-Stop there. -Down here, down here.
I want to go down here.
Down here. Are you all right? Hey, I can't stop this bike.
WOMAN: Will you stop? MAN: All right. All right.
Come on. Come on. Stop.
-All right, John? -All right.
-Keith. -I'm going to have a look up there.
Hey! Hey, Honk, they've cut the grass up there.
Hey, they've cut the grass up there, look.
Just put it here.
-I want to go down there. -No, we'll just put it here.
(EXCLAIMS)
Hey, look at them bleeding bluebells.
Bleeding millions of them.
Hey, have you got your knife?
It's great, isn't it?
Cut that for us, will you?
And there.
There's the ball.
Great.
(LAUGHS)
-All right? -Yeah.
Hey, Honk, on your head. Honk!
HONKY: Watch it!
Oh, I can't get this in. Give us your helmet.
Use you own bleeding helmet.
Hey, just hold it, if I peg this out...
-Hold it, hold it, hold it... -It's falling over.
FINGER: If I peg it out it'll hold it up.
Tent's falling down, Keith.
HONKY: It'll fall over... FINGER: Hold it for us, give us a hand.
Don't do that.
Come on, if you give us a hand we can get inside.
Get off.
Oh, look at it, that ain't right. Bit of wind, it'll fall over.
Won't. Honest, it's a bleeding army tent, this is.
Nothing'll blow this over.
That's it, that's great.
Hey, Honk. Honk, come in here.
Ray's going over to help them, Keith.
Keith!
FINGER: Hey, there ain't half a lot of room in here.
HONKY: Yeah, there looks it.
-Do you want a hand? -It's up now, ta.
-You've got it inside out. -Hey?
Don't make no difference, does it?
See these things? They hold the tent up.
FINGER: Well, I thought this was the better side, like.
RAY: That's the inside.
Oh! Maybe you're right.
Honky, looks like we got it the wrong way round.
-Yeah, we'd better change it. -I'll give you a hand.
FINGER: Ta.
-Yeah, that should be all right now. -Ta. Great.
Hey, what do you do round here at night like?
I usually go down the pub in Corfe Castle.
Oh. Hey, I wouldn't mind doing that, would you, Honk?
-Mmm. -Nice pint of draught.
Ah, because it's a bit quiet round here like, isn't it?
Well, I'm going down later. You can come along if you want.
That'd be great, we'll do that, eh?
-HONKY: Yeah. -Yeah.
Well, I'll be in my tent. Give us a shout when you're ready.
Right. See you!
-All right? -Yes, thank you.
HONKY: Oh, it ain't very big, is it?
FINGER: Don't matter, you'll be on your back anyway.
(LAUGHING)
Come on.
(HONKY EXCLAIMS)
-Right! Game shot. -Here you are. I'll get it for you.
-What? -You'll be here all night.
-Right, double three. -You'll miss it.
See, you missed.
Nearly.
-There you are. -(CHUCKLING) That's it.
-Bloody hell. -Lucky darts, them, eh?
What? That's talent.
That's it, then, isn't it?
-Do you want another drink? -Yeah, yeah.
What, bitter, is it?
-Yeah, a pint, please. -Gin. I've got enough tonic.
For the bull, eh!
CANDICE MARIE: Look at that, Keith.
Oh, yes.
It's very funny.
-What are you reading, Keith? -The Guinness Book of Records.
ALL: # It's the same the whole world over
# It's the poor that gets the blame
# It's the rich that gets the pleasure #
-Hey, all right? -All right.
(EXCLAIMING)
Hey!
All right? Good night.
Good night, Keith. Kiss Prudence.
No.
-Why not? -I'm tired.
There's that one about the cook, you know, making the apple pie.
HONKY: Oh, yeah.
He must have been an army cook, because there's a colonel there, like,
and anyway, he was...
He'd got his teeth out and he was just putting all marks like, round the pie...
-Patterns. Patterns. -FINGER: Oh, patterns around the pie.
And the colonel says to him, he says, ''Eh, Boothby'', or whatever his name was,
he says, ''Hey, haven't you got anything better to do that with?''
And he says, ''Aye, but I'm saving that to make the holes in the doughnuts!''
That's good, that. Yeah.
Do you know the Irish intelligence test?
-HONKY: No. -What's that?
Well, look, pick a finger. Go on, any finger. Pick a finger, all right.
-Like that? -Right.
Now I'm going to jumble them all up
and I want you to tell me which finger you picked.
(LAUGHING)
I don't get that.
Well, perhaps it wasn't so funny.
(HONKY LAUGHING)
-I'm in the building trade. -Oh, yeah? Doing what?
Plasterer.
There's good money in that, isn't there?
It's great.
-There isn't much work about, you know. -No.
(CHUCKLING) No, they ain't building no bleeding houses.
What do you do, Honky?
Work in an office.
-What, clerk or something? -Yeah, it's the civil service.
-I'm a clerical officer. -Oh, right.
-Sits on her arse all day. -I don't.
I hated PE when I was at school.
-RAY: What, too energetic or something? -Yeah.
I liked it, I did, you know, football and all that,
better than lessons.
Hey, we'll have a kick round tomorrow, shall we?
Yeah, great, anytime, yeah.
Honky can go in goal.
RAY: What team do you support, Birmingham or Villa?
FINGER: Birmingham, they're a good side.
RAY: Yeah. Done all right this season, haven't they?
Yeah.
They shouldn't have sold Latchford, though, you know.
That's where they went wrong.
They've got no strength in depth, you know,
and they've had a lot of injuries and that,
and it's sort of weakened the side.
They're doing all right.
How do you reckon their chances in the Cup?
I reckon they'll win.
I like rugby myself, you know.
Don't like rugby.
Christ!
Is that you?
-What? -Oh, God, let's get out.
(CHUCKLING) Nothing to do with me. It ain't me.
I'm standing out.
Silent killer.
HONKY: I've never smelt anything like it.
Hold on, Honk, I'm coming.
(LAUGHING)
Sorry about that, John.
Hey, Honk, wait for me. We're going, then, John.
Yeah, thanks a lot. See you tomorrow. Ta-ra.
FINGER: Hey, Honk, where are you? See you.
-Hold on, Honk. -Hey, I can't see.
(SCREAMING) No, don't, stop, don't! You'll have me over.
Not fair, is it, Keith?
FINGER: Hey, what happens if we get the wrong tent?
HONKY: This is it. Look, here's the bike.
HONKY: (SCREAMING) Stop!
KEITH: Excuse me, do you mind making less noise, please?
(SHUSHING AND GIGGLING)
FINGER: I'm going to have a piss.
They're not taking any notice, Keith.
They're ignoring you completely.
HONKY: It's a bit low.
I'm coming in.
-I'm coming in on the top. -Oh no.
-Yes. -No. Oh, God.
(FINGER LAUGHING)
Be quiet!
(SHUSHING)
HONKY: Let's get a pillow sorted out here, move your head.
See, it's made no difference, Keith.
Bet there's all creepy crawlies all over the place here.
Running up your trouser leg.
-Hey. -Huh?
-It's an earwig. -Oh, get off.
Get off, I don't like that.
-Your old man's hand. -Oh, stop it.
What time is it, Keith? It must be ever so late.
Look! This is a tent! I am in a tent!
The walls of a tent are thin! I can hear everything you're saying.
Now, be quiet!
FINGER: Get back to bed!
And you get back to your tenements!
Oh, tenements.
Oh, come on, turn it up!
I thought he was coming through the bleeding roof.
-I did and all. -Scared the life out of me.
I think they've stopped, Keith.
-Better than being at home, isn't it? -Mmm.
Hey.
I'm knackered.
-My guts is terrible this morning. -It's strong beer, that, isn't it?
Aye, gets your head and all, doesn't it?
-It was a good night, though. -Yeah, it was all right.
I reckon.
(GRUNTS)
Do you want a go?
I'm gonna put me tracksuit on in a minute.
Oh, yeah.
My feet are soaked. It's wet, isn't it?
Yeah, well, it's always like this early morning.
-I thought it had been raining. -No, it's the dew.
(CHUCKLING) Bleeding everywhere, aren't they?
-Do you get it? -Yeah.
-That's natty, isn't it? -Yeah, it's okay.
-Do you drink that? -Well, it's out the tap, like.
Looks a funny colour in the bag.
-You've got everything in here, eh? -Well, not quite.
-That gas? -Yeah.
Clever, isn't it?
Do you want some coffee?
Oh, I wouldn't say no.
-Have you got any cups? -Yeah.
Hey, Honk! Honk, come over here. John's going to make us some coffee.
You know, I reckon he's got a bleeding cheek, that geezer.
Yeah.
I mean, we wasn't making much noise.
I think he's a bit of a nutcase.
I'm going to the bog.
KEITH: Come along, the kettle's boiling. CANDICE MARIE: All right, Keith.
Do you want your tea now, or when you come back?
When I come back.
-RAY: Morning. -Morning.
Morning.
-Only trying to be sociable. -Miserable old bleeder.
RAY: Yeah.
-Morning. -Morning.
Excuse me, can I just get my towel, please?
KEITH: What are you doing?
Mind your own business.
-You're not making a fire, are you? -What's it got to do with you?
May I just remind you that open fires are not allowed here?
Who says?
When you arrived at the campsite you were issued with a card.
I wasn't.
I think you must have been because Miss Beale gives everybody one.
(CHUCKLING) She didn't give us one, did she?
Yes, it's just like an ordinary white postcard
with the address of the campsite on the front
and a list of 1 0 rules on the back.
And rule number one is no open fires.
I'm just going to get some green stuff, get it going.
You're being very silly, you know,
'cause if you do light an open fire,
then you're going to get thrown off the campsite.
Now, don't be silly.
Look, will you mind your own bleeding business?
It is my business.
My business is to protect the life of the countryside and our heritage.
Now, you don't seem to be aware of those things,
so I'm advising you as to the extent of your responsibilities.
You shouldn't be breaking those branches and you shouldn't be making a fire.
I've got some, Honk.
Now, I don't want to get you into trouble
but if you go on with this, I shall have to go and tell Miss Beale.
You can tell who you bleeding well like.
All right, if that's the way you want it.
How are we supposed to cook our dinner, then?
You can have a cold dinner.
FINGER: We've got sausages.
Well, you shouldn't be eating sausages.
-Why not? -Well, quite apart
from the toxic substances in the meat,
there are quite a few harmful additives and preservatives
in the sausage.
I don't think you realise how dangerous an open fire can be.
I mean, for one thing, you could easily set fire to your tent.
Well, it's our tent.
Miss Beale doesn't seem to be around and so I'm assuming responsibility.
-I bet you didn't look for her, did you? -Yes, I did and she's not there.
Now, stop what you're doing.
No. Who the bleeding hell do you think you are?
I'm a good citizen who's aware of his responsibilities.
You're a bloody comedian, mate.
No, I'm not! Now stop what you're doing.
No. Look, I've paid my money.
You've got no right to come telling me what to do.
Oh, I've got every right.
I have the power to arrest you if I wanted to.
Now, stop making that fire.
-You a copper? -No.
But every citizen has the right to arrest another citizen
who's breaking the law. Now, be told.
What law am I breaking?
You're breaking the laws of the campsite and the laws of the country code.
Now, I don't want to have to use force.
You what?
Put the stick down.
-No! -Oh, come on, Finger.
What are you going to do about it, then, eh?
-Just put the stick down. -Just leave it.
-If you want a fight... -Look, be told!
If you touch me, I'm going to bleeding kill you.
Now, look, I don't want to fight you,
I just want to tell you that you shouldn't...
-You keep away from me! -HONKY: Finger, leave him alone.
I just want you to stop making the fire and stop breaking those branches.
-Come on, Finger, leave it alone. -Come on, hit me! Come on.
No, no, I'm not going to.
Get away from me, I'll knock your head off!
Get back, I'm warning you!
-FINGER: You touch me, I'll kill you! -I'll knock your head off!
I'll knock your head off!
Come on, then, if you want a fight!
-Come on, then, if you want a fight! -I'll give you a bleeding fight.
Come on! Come on, let's fight! Come on, I'll knock your head off!
FINGER: Don't touch me, mate. HONKY: Oh, Finger, just leave...
Oh, put it down!
Come on, then! Come on, what about it, eh?
Look, you get your geezer over here
or else I'll kick this bloody table over.
Keith! Keith, she's got a knife and she's going to kick the table over.
-Put that stick down, you bastard... -Come on, come on...
-FINGER: I'll fucking kill you. -Keith!
Come on, then. Come on!
-Oi! -You're a dead man...
-I'll knock your head off. -HONKY: Finger!
Get away from there!
Get back, you get back!
Finger! Finger, get over here.
-He bleeding well started it. -Oh, shut up.
You bastard!
(PANTING)
-He's bleeding well crying now. -Oh, shut up.
-He's bleeding well crying. -Oh, shut up!
I was only trying to advise you for your own good.
You want to get him locked up, missus.
-Are you all right, Keith? -(SOBBING) I'm going for a walk.
I didn't want to come here in the first place.
What's the matter with you?
FINGER: He's a bleeding nutter. He could have killed me, you know.
HONKY: All right, all right.
FINGER: Well, he could have done. HONKY: All right!
FINGER: If he comes back...
-Wants bloody locking up. -Oh, shut up.
-If he comes back I'll kick his head in. -Oh, shut up.
-He could have killed me. -Yeah, all right, all right.
-He could! -All right.
Could've knocked me bleeding head off.
-Give us a match. -Leave it alone.
-No! -Just leave it.
Go on, give us a match.
FINGER: Great, isn't it? HONKY: Yeah.
FINGER: There's a bit of fat there, I'd better tip that off.
-HONKY: Oh, watch it. -Oh, bloody hell.
(FINGER LAUGHING)
It's a cowboy breakfast.
I ain't half hungry, are you?
Hey, there's John.
Hey, John.
Hey, John, come over here, I want to tell you summat.
-Come over here. -You got it going, then?
Yeah.
Hey, come here, I want to tell you.
Hey, that smells all right, that, doesn't it?
I've just had a punch-up with the guy next door.
What, fists and that?
No, he come at me with a bleeding great stick.
Bloody hell, what was all that about, then?
-Tried to stop me lighting the fire. -Yeah?
FINGER: Yeah.
Mind you, he's cracked. He starts crying over there.
RAY: What was she doing, like?
FINGER: She locked herself in the tent.
It's a pity, that. I missed out on all the fun, didn't I?
Yeah, it was great, wasn't it, Honk?
Oh, well, see you.
Right, come along, Candice Marie, we're leaving.
-Leaving, Keith? -Yes, leaving. Come on.
-Hey, they got two tents there. -Yeah.
-One inside the other. -I know.
I'm going to try and find Miss Beale.
You wait here.
-Excuse me, Ray. -Oh.
We're going to try and find another campsite.
So I just thought I'd bring your Ancient Purbeck back.
Oh, thanks very much.
I've got your Corfe Castle guide, haven't I?
-Yes. -Yeah, hang on.
-Here you are, thanks for the lend. -Thanks very much.
Well, enjoy the rest of your holiday.
Yeah, and you. I hope you find somewhere nice, you know.
-Yes. Okay, well cheerio, then. -Yeah, ta-ra.
Yes, I have read the rules of the campsite. It also says
that if exceptional circumstances exist then perhaps some grounds
may be found for a refund.
Five pounds is a lot of money.
Well, I'm afraid you'll have to see my father about that.
And when will he be in?
Should be in tomorrow morning, any time before 1 0:00.
All right, thank you.
Hey, we're just going down to Swanage.
Do you want to get the bus and come down?
No, it's too far.
What are you doing tonight, then?
I'll probably go down the village later, you know.
Yeah, okay. Hey, we could have a drink on the way back.
All right, then. I'll see you down there, shall I? Yeah?
-Hey, what about them, eh? -Oh, come on.
All right. It wasn't our fault, you know.
-I know. -No. Funny people about, isn't there?
-Right, see you anyway. -Ta-ra.
MAN ON RADIO: This is Radio One and Radio Two.
Wouldn't it be lovely, Keith, if we were gypsies,
like in the old days?
And we had a lovely painted caravan and we could just stop wherever we wanted?
I suppose we could stay in a bed and breakfast
if the worst came to the worst.
One with a thatched roof, Keith.
It doesn't really matter what kind of roof it has, so long as it's got one.
-Good afternoon, sir. -Good afternoon, officer.
-Hello. -CANDICE MARIE: Hello.
-Is this your car, sir? -Yes.
-What's the number, sir? -51 42 BY.
Do you want to see my documents?
Yes, please.
-What's this, then? -Oh, that's our camping equipment.
Musical instruments and food larder.
-Yes, leave it to me, Candice Marie. -I'm only telling him, Keith.
Licence, insurance, MOT and AA membership.
-Your name, please, sir? -Keith Pratt.
-Address? -37 Valemore Road, Croydon, Surrey.
We were just looking for a campsite.
Yes, we were forced off the other one.
Leave it to me, Candice Marie.
We've been to two but they weren't suitable.
The insurance expires on the 26th of August
and the MOT on the 3rd of April.
Will you open the boot please, Keith?
Hold that, Candice Marie.
-You drive, do you? -No.
I'm going to take lessons, though.
What's this, then?
Well, that's our camping equipment.
Tent there. No, that's the tent, that's the flysheet.
-CANDICE MARIE: That's the stove. -Don't take it out, Candice Marie.
-Sorry, Keith. -Sleeping bag, there.
-Camping gas. -The table there.
What about this, then?
What's that?
That tyre.
It's bald as a baby's bum.
-Isn't it, Keith? -Oh, yes, Keith, so it is.
You realise that's an offence, sir?
I'd get that changed as soon as possible if I was you.
Excuse me, sir. Would you mind sitting in the car, please?
You see out of your rear view mirror, sir?
The boot's up.
If the boot wasn't up, could you see out?
Yes.
You make sure you don't put anything on that back seat.
Oh, I usually keep it clear.
Because that can be an offence as well, you know.
All right, then, off you go.
-Have a nice holiday, then, sir. -KEITH: Thank you.
-Fancy a roll in the hay, then? -No, thanks.
Oh, please yourself.
By God, if I had any hay, you'd be bloody grateful.
-1 00 quid a ton. -Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
Aye, best I can offer you is 40 quid's worth of lousy old wheat straw.
-Take it or leave it. -I think I'll leave it.
Fertiliser bags? All plastic, very fertile.
Hey, hey, what have we here?
(ARGUING)
-I wish you'd do as you're told. -I don't want to stay in the car.
-Hello. -MAN: Hello.
-I'm looking for somewhere to camp. -Oh, yeah?
We were wondering if it's possible to camp here.
Yeah, it's possible.
You see, it's getting rather late and we've got to find somewhere.
KEITH: Yes.
Well, there's a field up behind those sheds. It's all yours if you want it.
Do you have any facilities?
None whatsoever.
I'm not a campsite, haven't got a licence.
There's water up there, tap by the water trough,
and there's a wood on the other side if you need a shit.
I can let you have a spade.
-Oh, I have my own spade, thank you. -MAN: Oh, jolly good.
How much do you charge?
Shall we say 25p?
-That's very reasonable, Keith. -Is it payable in advance?
-Payable any time you like. -Thank you very much.
Well, you can run your car straight up there
and close the gate behind you.
Yes, well, we always obey the country code.
KEITH: Bye-bye. CANDICE MARIE: Thank you very much.
Been mountaineering, then?
No, they're just ordinary walking boots.
Right, thank you very much.
-Look at that, Keith. Isn't it lovely? -Oh, yes, lovely.
-Sort of colours refracted in the cloth. -Yeah.
I remember when I was at school, Keith, when we were about five,
and the teacher asked us to bring in
-some long chiffon scarves. -Yes.
-Then she put on some music. -Yes.
And we all had to sort of dance about like this
and pretend to be fire and water and wind.
Yes, different elements.
Yes, that's right, sort of expressing the music.
Yes. It's a shame when we reach adulthood,
the way we lose that childlike wonder
in the elements, the universe, the joy of life.
(GUITAR STRINGS HUMMING)
-Listen to that, Keith. -What?
Isn't that lovely, the guitar?
Oh, yes, it's playing itself.
It's just the wind, just drifting through.
Sort of really magic sound, isn't it?
Yes, in harmony with the birds.
# Black smoke, crisp bags, detergent in the river
# Cigarette smoke, it makes me choke
# Litter makes me shiver
# Rubbish tips, broken cars, lamps that are no use
# Bottles, cans or frying pans
# Anything of no use
# Use it up, throw it away
# Or drop it on the floor
# It's all right, chuck it out
# We've no use for it any more
# Black smoke, crisp bags, detergent in the river
# Cigarette smoke, it makes me choke
# Litter makes me shiver
# Don't preserve it, just let it die
# Human beings, too
# Let them decay
# Or give them away
# Doesn't matter what you do
# Black smoke, crisp bags, detergent in the river
# Cigarette smoke, it makes me choke
# Litter makes me shiver
# Rubbish tips, broken cars
# Lamps that are no use
# Bottles, cans or frying pans
# Anything of no use
# Use it up, throw it away
# Drop it on the floor
# It's all right, chuck it out
# I've no use for it any more #